I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
