Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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