i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
