all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
