i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
