I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can't put those talents on a resume
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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