so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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