wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
