my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
