All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
