before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
