How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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