he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
