apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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