Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
