he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
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I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
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If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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