Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
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Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize