I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
