Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
