Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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