Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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