Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Send help, water and tortillas.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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