Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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