I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
