I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
