so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
