i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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