I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
