Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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