fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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