no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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