You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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