Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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