Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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