i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
