Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
