Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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