I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
