When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
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found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
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if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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