I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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