I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
