dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
why do cheetos always look like penises
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
he fucked my hip out of place.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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