i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
