OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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