i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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