I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
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He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
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Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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