the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
