i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You took a bar mat shot.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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