he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
