My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
