the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
