I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
