this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
