he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
