maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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