No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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