fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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